| Author | Message | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Valued Member Username: sulis Post Number: 280 Registered: 03-2002 |
The Catholic Girls Quandary or Thanks For The Mammaries In the beginnings of fertility, rife with hormones that bled me out then filled me up with urges that had not names but whispers in the night, secrecy and shame was sistered to me. Mother-taught secrecy through five pregnant silences. Paper preparations, clipped from ladies magazines. Crisp, pulp passed beneath the bathroom door, eyes averted, that compounded confusion while my body cramped and became fluid one summer Saturday before noon. Nun-taught shame, preached through death-mask lips tightly stretched over large grayed teeth; her eyes slit and rolling back and forth spying all the demons of hell who wait to suck a nun down for one titillating slip in her crusade to preserve the innocent. Health class dispensary passing out a daily dose of guilt and damnation to act as worth control. Dire warnings in sepulchral tones each word a bad taste scraped from the tongue. Quick, dart hints jabbed at budding breast and fuzzing loin "never, never, let boys touch...... the wrong parts, of your body!" Still the wrong parts grew, ached and were covered with layers of embarrassment as we skulked about, round shouldered, with periodic shrouds discretely drowned in toilet paper then furtively stuffed to the bottom of garbage bags. Our pride and power......trash. I sat, passionate sponge, nested among my sister sponges, clothed in our creator, created bodies in that time of black and white energies untempered by gray, internalising the triune definition of femininity virgin martyr, married mother, inherent slut. Regaled with tales of hapless, untouched maids leaping into death to protect the poor unfortunate soul tempted beyond his self control by her gender. Her body goal and goad as wrong parts would swell and feel things and were difficult to hide from curious, prying, adam's-eyes. Sponge after sponge saturated with cause unquestioningly accepted the geis to mutatefrom marketable, martyrable, virgin to married, madonna, mother bypassing the sin of slut wearing the body of adam's perdition. S--, was a distasteful but necessary act of procreation legitimised by holy ritual. A fate worse than death disguised within layers of mystery and sanctification; enacted in the dark on a multiplication table. Our ticket to heaven ecclesiastically punched, we trod a moral tight rope between pure as the driven snow and slightly soiled. but in a good cause, over a schism of double indamnity, the pit of hell beneath our feet, the gate of heaven between our thighs. (Message edited by sulis on February 22, 2006) (Message edited by sulis on February 22, 2006) | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2843 Registered: 08-2003 |
Anastasia this epoch epic has clever use of language and word play with a biting tongue-in-cheek message. Many great lines that build toward the end could easily be envisioned as a combustible experience read aloud. I see that this could use some trim but I wouldn't attempt it on CV. You could place in Bio for an in-line crit. It wouldn't take much IMO to bring it to a finish. E p.s. I thought I was the only one who sung Thanks for the Mammories. Good ole Bob never new. | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3909 Registered: 07-2003 |
Excellent piece, which will need very little trimming to shine,probably describes my mothers upbringing, she went to a catholic school and thank God was more enlightened when it came to my education! I know all that baggage gave her a lot to overcome,ignorance can be terrifying.... all she was told about birth was that she would likely die in the process as she was so small,which terrified her during her first pregnancy - me! | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6844 Registered: 07-2001 |
Ana, S--, was a distasteful but love the way you s-- vs spelling out. I agree with some trimming and other changes such as between not on it's own line. The end of the finest kind. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1556 Registered: 11-2003 |
haha really enjoyed thanks laurie | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1242 Registered: 10-2005 |
This is a great piece of poetry. I hate that it bogs down at points so I will take a stab at what I think needs cutting: this part: who wait to suck a nun down for one titillating slip in her crusade to preserve the innocent. Health class dispensary passing out a daily dose of guilt and damnation to act as worth control. Dire warnings in sepulchral tones each word a bad taste scraped from the tongue. Quick, dart hints jabbed at budding breast and fuzzing loin "never, never, let boys touch...... the wrong parts, of your body!" and here: by her gender. Her body goal and goad as wrong parts would swell and feel things and were difficult to hide from curious, prying, adam's-eyes. Sponge after sponge saturated with cause unquestioningly accepted the geis to mutatefrom marketable, martyrable, virgin to married, madonna, mother bypassing the sin of slut Parts of these excerpts could be re-included as needed, but for me the read holds together without them. The Age of Nations is past. The task before us now, if we would not perish, is to build the earth. - Teilhard de Chardin | ||
| elijah burke
Member Username: spiltextmob Post Number: 88 Registered: 08-2005 |
I enjoyed this very much. Some great lines: the wrong parts grew, ached and were covered with layers of embarrassment inherent slut - love that! and many others. Thanks for sharing. "The meek will inherit the earth. The meek don't want it." -The Rules of Attraction Bret Easton Ellis | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6698 Registered: 11-1998 |
A powerful piece, Ana. No woman could read this without being moved. My only objection is the profusion of adjectives in the descriptions. I would pare them down where possible. I've often read that great poetry depends on the strength of its nouns and verbs. Adjectives should be used sparingly or you end up sounding too prosey. | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 3055 Registered: 09-2002 |
Ana, I would echo what M said and say I enjoyed this poem but felt it could use some trimming. Yes, the adjectives. Glad I wasn't brought up Catholic. Growing up is hard enough. Best, Kathryn | ||
| jennifer vanburen
Member Username: annaswirls Post Number: 87 Registered: 10-2005 |
Enjoyed the poem, you got a lot of great suggestions, the only thing I would add is to reconsider the title. It does not seem to match the tone of the poem, especially the mammary one, I have heard that too many times, your poem deserves something more original (in my humble opinion)  Jennifer www.mannequinenvy.com | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 303 Registered: 03-2002 |
E. i took your advice, Thank you for reading. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 304 Registered: 03-2002 |
Zephyr i think every woman raised in the catholic church has a story similar to mine if they were honest. We are one bunch of mixed up females. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 305 Registered: 03-2002 |
Gary will work on some judicious snipping and repost sonnest. Thank you. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 306 Registered: 03-2002 |
Laurie thank you. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 307 Registered: 03-2002 |
lazarus i am saving your comments with the poem to better work on the revision. Thank you. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 308 Registered: 03-2002 |
Thank you Elijah. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 309 Registered: 03-2002 |
Good advice M! I will take it as I revise thank you. I strive to put the reader in the situation as completely as possible. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 310 Registered: 03-2002 |
I guess it made me what I am and in dealing with it I have become a poet. If one day I become a decent poet then it was not all bad. Oh well one must make the best. thank you for commenting. Ana | ||
| Anastacia Donovan
Intermediate Member Username: sulis Post Number: 311 Registered: 03-2002 |
Hmmmm the title. I will think on your suggestion. thank you for reading and understanding. Ana | ||
| SplinterGroup
Advanced Member Username: splinter Post Number: 1070 Registered: 11-2003 |
like the piece a lot and a footnote for it is that it wasn't any better for the males. much less for the altar boys if you understand what I am sayiong. It was always a wonder to me that people that had no practical experience in not only having children but in the everyday raising of them ---paying the bills and worrying to the side---could be put in cahrge of telling them how to make more and the proper way to do just that. Weird! A. | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 2246 Registered: 12-2003 |
Damn Ana, you been playing volleyball with Blake & Marvell (garden of love & coy mistress)... bringing on the womens team in rebuttal? hahaha... very well done, me lass! | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1898 Registered: 11-2004 |
Ana~ A delight... the ending is perfect. And FYI~ a southern Baptist upbringing is just as bizarre... trust me! You Catholics just got all the pretty statues and incense. We got the same trip without the cool accessories.  enjoyed~dale | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4050 Registered: 07-2002 |
Ana, This is a wonderful piece--I'm away from home on a slow net connect, so don't have time for a formal crit, but I will come back to this with my 2 cents worth. I agree with M's overall comment--less adjectives would be the place I might start to pare. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog |
